It’s Time To Stop Manipulating the Golden Rule
Kindness isn’t supposed to be about what we can get.
This is part of a series on the book Influence by Robert Cialdini where we’re considering how the gospel turns levers of influence upside down. You can read part 1 here.
It might be one of the most common strategies in marketing: give something away for free, “add value” to your audience, and they will be more likely to make a purchase from you in the future. I’ve used this technique in every marketing job I’ve had.
Share the first chapter or two of a book for free.
Offer an abundance of tips and tricks on social media while keeping your content with overt sales promotions to a minimum.
Provide a free eBook or other resources in exchange for someone’s email address.
Send a $5 coupon code to your customers when you announce your annual sale.
It turns out that all of these strategies utilize the first lever of influence in Cialdini’s book Influence1: the rule of reciprocation. The rule in its simplest form says that “we should try to repay what another person has provided us” (23). Cialdini argues that this lever of influence developed as an evolutionary tool of social collaboration.
“A widely shared and strongly held feeling of future obligation made an enormous difference in human social evolution because it meant that a person could give something (for example, food, energy, or care) to another with confidence that the gift was not being lost. For the first time in evolutionary history, one individual could give any of a variety of resources without actually giving them away. The result was the lowering of the natural inhibitions against transactions that must be begun by one person’s providing personal resources to another.” (25)
Whether or not you agree with this theory of how the rule of reciprocation developed, we can all acknowledge the role it plays in relationships today. Cialdini shares numerous studies and anecdotes that demonstrate the rule at work. One is from his own website, where he offers a free chapter of one of his books. He says, “the free chapter gives customers the ability to make a more informed decision about purchasing the whole book; and as a gift, the chapter may make them feel more obligated to do so” (40).
But lest you think this is just a secular reframing of The Golden Rule, let’s take a look at how the gospel turns this relational principle upside down. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus instructs,
“Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back. And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.” (Luke 6:30-35, emphasis mine)
In other words, even sinners operate according to the rule of reciprocation, but the gospel calls us to selflessness. We are to practice generosity, giving our time, energy, care, and material resources away, not as a down payment of relational capital, but because we trust that God is doing something greater with our obedience than we can see. In context, we can see that Jesus instructs us to “do unto others”, not as a secret play to get something out of them, but freely, knowing that they might instead choose to treat us poorly.
Jesus’s parable of the sower further teaches us that the gospel is a seed, not a stone (Matt. 13). We sow the gospel liberally and abundantly, with no thought to return on investment, because we know that its value is not limited and measured, but limitless and immeasurable. God has not promised us how much the seed will multiply, just that it will.
Proverbs 19:17 says, “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.” When we become disciples of Jesus our obligations and relational contracts become bound up with him. No longer do we enter into social transactions expecting to be repaid, focusing our generosity only toward those who can reciprocate in kind. Now, our covenant is with the Lord, whose perfect justice and fairness will be our reward.
Matthew’s recording of the Sermon on the Mount also reveals that reciprocation has a darker side--retaliation. While Cialdini does not address this in depth in Influence, he does acknowledge that “additional research shows that this kind of [...] reciprocity extends to mistreatment” (47). Jesus says,
“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.” (Matthew 5:38-42)
We cannot operate according to the positive form of the rule of reciprocation, whether in our personal relationships or marketing strategies, while believing that we are immune from the negative effects of the rule of retaliation. We cannot leverage the influence of reciprocity as a means to “good” ends without it distorting our souls.
So, what would it look like to lay aside the rule of reciprocation in Christian marketing, whether on an individual level as we share our writing, or on a larger scale for entire Christian churches and organizations?
It begins with a shift in our hearts and minds toward believing that God really can and will “supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:19), and that we don’t need to supplement his riches with the strategies of worldly influence. (We’ll see that this kind of trust will help us combat every “lever of influence” Cialdini describes.)
It looks like giving freely and yes, “adding value” to our audience, but with no strings attached, expecting nothing in return.
It looks like asking for payment (when we choose to do so) sincerely and transparently because “the worker is worthy of his wages” (1 Tim. 5:18).
It includes acknowledging that when we freely serve others with our words and work this rule of reciprocation means they may feel beholden to us in some way. And it includes determining never to exploit that sense of obligation for our own gain.
It may even involve celebrating the good work of those we would consider our competitors and looking for ways to love and serve those our industry might deem our enemies.
What else would you add? How have you seen The Golden Rule misapplied? Let’s continue the discussion in the comments.
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This is a great post. In relation with writing I saw this happen often on Facebook. The expectation was if someone shared a post the writer would eventually “owe” them a share. Or the same people would share each others work as a strategy to boost their following because they believed a publisher would publish them only if they had a larger following ( I’m still unsure if this is true).
Honestly it took me a while to get used to a new way, but I think in the long run sharing one another’s work because we genuinely like it, with no expectation of reciprocity is much healthier.
If we rely on reciprocity for our advantage and gain, we are treating people as objects to be manipulated instead of people made in the image of God. Loved this article!